How To Love Again; The Heartbreaks

Everyone has been hurt, had their heartbroken, had their heart shattered into a million pieces. Have you ever watched those movies where you can feel the pain that person is feeling? Those movies where parents don’t want their kids? Those love stories that they get their heart broken halfway through the movie? I never knew such pain could exist until I fell in love for the first time.

I was around 6 years old the first time I had my heartbroken. My mom and dad had decided to get a divorce when I was fairly young and I honestly had no clue what was going on. I was too young to understand. All I knew at the time was my dad was moving out and I would get to see him every weekend. Don’t get me wrong I do have good memories about my dad, but in the end, I do not wish he was my father.

The first time my father had truly broken my heart was when he left me at home for the first time by myself.

I wasn’t older than maybe 6 at the time, he left me there and went to a bar and came home with some woman. That night he had told me he was going down the street to go get me some food for dinner but low and behold he comes back three hours later with some random lady he met at a bar. I had no idea who this person was and I was supposed to be nice to her but I wasn’t. Aren’t parents supposed to teach you to not talk to strangers? I had ignored her. He told me he was disappointed in me and he wasn’t sure if he wanted me over anymore if that was the way I was going to treat his guests. That was the first time I felt my heartache. My own dad not wanting to see me anymore? He chose some random hook up over me. I had my heartbroken by the one person who should have never broken it.

I grew up without a father I ached to have in my life.

I knew my life was better without him in it but I still wished I had a father figure in my life. I wish I had someone there to protect me, to threaten future boyfriends, to do father-daughter things with, to teach me what being loved and how I was supposed to be treated was supposed to be like.

Instead, I got heartbreaks, lies, sneaking around, and trust issues out of my relationship with my father. I’m not going to lie, he screwed me up pretty bad.

Throughout elementary and middle school I was closed off from a lot of people, I had a hard time making friends and trusting that people were being genuine with me.

When I did make friends, I lost them pretty quickly because I didn’t know how to communicate with them what I had been through. When I was alone I thought I was happiest. (I really wasn’t). I had made it through the first 9 years of school and it was time for high school.

I fell in love for the first time when I was 14, or so I thought. 14-year-olds don’t know what love is. I think I was infatuated with the idea of love and being in love. I was with this guy that was 4 years older than me and long story short he cheated on me with his ex. I thought we were going to spend our lives together. But, that obviously didn’t work out. That was the second time I learned what it was like to feel unwanted and have this ache in my heart.

So we got through the first two major heartbreaks of my life it could only get better from there, right?

Boy, I was wrong.

Something that I wish I realized about 5 years ago; chances is you are not going to find the person you’re going to spend the rest of your life with in high school. High school sweethearts in my generation just aren’t a thing. There is no old school love anymore.

I had my first “serious” relationship when I was 16 years old. I have serious in quotation marks because I was serious, and he was not. I thought we were going to be high school sweethearts, I thought he was “the one”. We had promise rings, plans, and everything, and I truly believed everything he told me. I learned that not everyone is as nice and you are. Meaning people won’t treat you the way you treat them. We were together for a few years and in the end, it ended because he slept around during our relationship. 7 times to be exact. This was the one that truly broke me at the time.

From when I was 6 till 16, in the 10 years, I learned how to be probably the most toxic and unwanted person on earth. I hated myself and my life.

I had to take a step back and realize that I shouldn’t be dating and that I should get used to being on my own. Being on my own really wasn’t that bad, I enjoyed it. I was hurt multiple times in the past from multiple people, it ended with trust issues, anxieties, and creating problems that didn’t exist. Expecting lies from everyone and that they are always hiding things. If you’ve ever gotten your heart broken by anyone, a family member, a friend, a significant other, you should have understood everything I just said.

During the time of being single, I learned how to become independent again. I learned to not rely on others and not get stuck in a daily routine. I learned to enjoy the freedom of being on my own and enjoy being alone. I made new friends and I learned how one person should be treating another. I learned what I really wanted for myself and for my future. I became myself again, I learned how to love myself again.

I know I’m young, and I was hurt so much. But, I crave the presence of another human, like anyone else. I crave love, closeness, the small moments, the big moments, being able to share my day with someone, the good, the bad, the attention.

So, don’t get me wrong, I enjoyed the whole being single thing, till he came along…

To be continued in my next post! 🙂