Embarrassed To Have Cancer

Recently, I’ve followed a social media page that has to do with cancer and I can honestly say I am absolutely embarrassed to be apart of the cancer community. What happened to just wishing each other well and hoping that the treatments that the other person is in will help put them into remission? Or that a treatment will be developed for them that might cure them? I totally get it that life is unfair and why did it have to be “me” who got this horrible disease? I understand it’s hard. But it should never be a contest to see who has it worse in life. Everyone goes through their struggles and pain, why should you try to make it seem like you have it worse? Whether you do have it worse or not, it should never be a contest.

What had really pushed me over the edge to be embarrassed to be a part of this community are these daily and weekly posts of ‘Cancer Confessions’ of people who had, currently has, or is a caregiver of someone who has cancer. A confession I had read said, “I have stage IV breast cancer and anyone who has never had cancer with that high of a stage doesn’t have the right to say that life is different after cancer.” If I had the chance to talk to this person I have a lot to say. Yes, it sucks you have cancer and you may die. I don’t mean to sound insensitive, but, you need to get over it. Everyone is struggling in their own ways of dealing with the cold hard truth that they have cancer. I had taken it quite personally when this person shared their confession, specifically because of what I had gone through being a teenager and now a young adult with cancer.

I want to make a quick note that I am not trying to put this person down or the page that is posting these confessions of OTHER people. I really do love this social media page and I am so happy there is a community where people like me can post how they feel about certain situations they are going through. If you figure out what page this is please DO NOT send or put anything negative on their page. It was just this one confession that really pushed me over the edge that I wanted to write about it.

Life completely changes from the moment those words come out of your doctor’s mouth. The moment your doctor says, “you have cancer” literally everything changes. Personally, I acted okay the first time I got diagnosed. I kept a smile on my face and said, “I’ll be okay”. But my mental health was deteriorating very fast. I had developed severe anxiety, I was constantly worried about my life, what the plan of action was going to be, and how we were going to treat my cancer. I quickly became depressed with the thought that I was going to die too young. I know that everyone is entitled to their opinions and you can’t tell someone how they should be feeling. So this person who had posted this confession, was telling me, I wasn’t allowed to say that my cancer has changed my life and my life was different after (during)cancer?

I want to expose this person as much as I don’t. Does that make sense? On one hand, I would very much like to meet this person and give them a gigantic bear hug and tell them I am so sorry that they are going through such a hard time and coming to terms with the fact that life is unfair. On the other hand, I would like to tell them that they are so conceited and wrong for telling people how they should be feeling. You will never ever be able to control someone else’s feelings. If this person ever reads this I’d like them to truly understand that life is different for everyone after any type of life-threatening diagnosis.

Life was definitely different for me after the first time I was diagnosed with cancer. I had lost most of my friends, people treated me differently like I was a thin piece of glass that could shatter with a breath. Rumors were spread throughout my time in high school that I was actually pregnant and that’s why I was missing school. People thought I was faking cancer because I didn’t lose my hair and they had said I just wanted attention. At one point in high school, I had tried to end the precious life that I have because of how bad everything had gotten.

When I had gotten re-diagnosed with cancer first they told me there still is no treatments for my specific type of cancer. Then they told me there was one option but it was not effective what so ever. It took 5 months to find a clinical trial that I could be a part of. I am now developing an allergy to my treatment, I am tired all the time, I am losing hair, I get rashes, I am in pain for more than half the month, I am nauseous all the time, I can’t take certain medicines that could help me feel better for the fear I could become anemic again. I miss out on birthday parties, concerts, life-events and more.

So, to the person who posted that confession, please tell me to my face that I am not allowed to say life is different during/after cancer. Please tell me that my life is still exactly the same as it was before I got diagnosed. Please tell me that I am not allowed to feel the way I feel. Please tell me I am wrong for feeling the way I feel.